Shit...

I think I'm going crazy. You keep mentioning my same flaws. I see them, I know, I live with them after all. It doesn't help if you're just gonna keep mentioning it. All it does is further destroy my confidence. Sometimes you even make me feel that I am unfit for you. You're so good in many things, you want to achieve a lot and be someone big in life. But I am not like that, I hope you understand that success in life is different for everyone. For me, I define success as being useful, happy and being able to spend money without worrying over my next meal. What paths I take to get there shouldn't matter to you if you really love me. Who I am now should also not irritate you to that extent. I understand that you also have your needs but what about me? Don't I get my part too? All I want is someone caring, understanding and will slowly but surely encourage me to bloom into both our ideals. As of right now, I think that you want too many things. You look at people and feel that you're inadequate. This pushes you more to overdo yourself and also pushes me to the brink of insanity for you cannot appreciate the qualities and achievements that we already have.

You call me immature and I agree. But you tell me, what do you call a person who sees person after person doing something successful and wanting to replicate ALL of them? I think you're nuts. Why not just stick to ONE goal and focus on it. I mean you are already in University and your options should not be too diverse especially since you are already in third year(soon). First you tell me you want to be a doctor. Then you want to be a Chemist and now you want to learn some business alongside TCM(which I guess is okay since its a grad thing). But seriously, I think that you're still naive. Do you honestly think those successful people were like this? I bet that they already knew what they wanted and what their qualities were and they just worked on those. It is different to look at people and be motivated by their success then to just have the desire to duplicate what they are doing.

Whatever I wrote here is just what I feel at the moment. Maybe there are some things that I interpreted wrongly but I hope that you do not take this to heart. JL, I promised that I will stay with you regardless even if it means losing myself and I will uphold that vow even if I suffer doing it. Why? It's because I can't imagine being with anyone else. Maybe your sheer desire will rub off to me and make me more motivated to improve myself. Haven't written in a while, anyways I am going to eat now.

Tl;dr, I love you and I hope this rant won't affect us in any ways. I am just releasing some steam, so sorry if I hurt you in writing this.

PS: You're not the only one under pressure.

Cheers
BW

Thoughts

As I sit here in front of my laptop, many thoughts fly across my mind. Thoughts like why am I here, at UofT, what have I been doing the past few years of my life?, what is my purpose in life..you know, all the typical questions..I really don't know what I have been doing wrong with myself. In UofT, I admit my first year was an utter mess; I wasn't in the mood for school, slacked off most of the time and heck i didn't even bother taking tests seriously..Even wasted my parent's money by dropping one course to do it over summer..and I thought about it and decided to work hard on my second year. but heck my marks are still shitty as ever. It just makes me so frustrated sometimes, is it because I am stupid? or maybe I'm in a program that i dont like..Fact of the matter is that my GPA is shit now..only a mediocre 2.x/4.0 ..as i sit and look at those numbers, many unwanted thoughts fly in telling me all this negative things..and I started questioning myself..Am I good enough for you?, You always say that I'm always unknowing; I never know stuff( can never guide you on anything), but thats not what I want, I want to give you happiness..but with this shit GPA Im starting to doubt if I'll ever get a good job..I don't know since when that I started having all this negative thoughts...You all must think " Oh , don't worry about your GPA as long as you have work experience" well fuck me for not having that either..Wondering what my program is? Its Chemical Engineering. Now you all must think.."Oh don't be so hard on yourself, it's a tough program"..which I again disagree ..if it's a fucking hard program why do I know people with like 3.8 GPAs?? Am I fucking stupid? Gah..why am I so useless? I cant study well, I cant play sports well ..hell i don't even look good...i wish that my life could just end now but i cant let you go ..